Tuesday, January 13, 2009

The poor bastard's guide to survival

Look, it's no secret that times are tough in the world right now. Economically, the US is in the shitter and things are not looking too bright. Nearly 10 percent unemployement and the government is frozen trying to create a stimulus package that will stop the freefall, not with full knowledge whether it will actually work or not. (And to give some insight, the trillion dollar estimate will make it the largest ever. In comparison after adjusting for inflation, we spent 600 billion during World War two.)

But enough of this economic bullshit, how does this affect you? Well, you're probably out of a job or your 401k has taken a nose dive by at least 50% without any indicators saying it will stop hemmoraging. You need to buckle up and find out ways to make sure your dollar works for you. But this guide isn't for people with "morals" or "ethics", that garbage is for dunces. This list for people who are bastards, and if you're willing to heed my advice, then you can survive the impending economic apocalypse just fine.

1.) Steal Everything

It's simple really, anything that isn't yours and isn't nailed down to the floor is yours for the taking and a means to save cash money. A few examples of what can be yours if you're willing to sacrifice your dignity and immortal soul to save a few bucks:

Toilet paper: just go to your nearest public restroom (preferably a university one, they use the fancy two-ply shit there) with your backpack and stuff as many rolls as you can. If you still got room, grab the paper towels that come out of the dispenser. Hell, if it isn't secured to a wall or floor grab it. If you think that TP is gonna scratch your asshole raw, then suck it up because times are tough and which situation would you rather be in: having a raw butthole or living on the street? I thought so.

estimated savings: 50 dollars a month.

Office supplies: people have stolen office supplies even when the economy is great, it's just an unwritten perk of having a job that entitles you to take pens from your employer rather than paying the 1.20 for a package of 50. Do you ever use red pen for anything? Fuck no, but damned if you don't steal them anyway.
But the economy sucks now, so you have to take it up a step. That stapler in the copy room is looking mighty tasty right now isn't it? Printer paper looks pretty sweet too. Jack that shit without a moment's hesitation and you're saving yourself tons of cash.

estimated savings 60-70 dollars a month.

Electricity: This one isn't so easy, but you can pull it off with a few extension cords and surge protectors. If your neighbor has outdoor outlets, then this is downright easy. Late at night when he/she is sleeping, carefully dig up a trench two inchs into the ground, but place the grass to the side so you can hide your nefarious deed later. Place extension cord in the outlet, place in trench leeding up to your house, use some of those surge protectors (preferably using every outlet in one for another surge protector) and you got all of your household appliances powered up for free! As for the outdoor outlet, move something large and heavy in front of it. If your neighbor asks for help to move it, reply that you have a "bad-back" and unfortunately are unable to help. If they discuss how much their power bill has gone up, remark that it's the fault of those greedy arabs. Nothing holds Americans together like hate and thinly concealed racism.

estimated savings: 200 dollars a month.

These are just a few examples, so don't limit yourself to just these three. Be creative! Put that liberal arts degree to use by imagining other means to steal from others and save yourself some dough. I'm sure you can do much better.

Friday, December 5, 2008

Descisions, Descisions

Here's something I didn't expect: a couple of people from my class in elementary school are trying to setup a get-together during this year's winter break. The most talked about option is meeting at a bar, and what we'll do there is anybody's guess. Besides drinking, what else is there besides reminiscing about how it was so funny that I got hit in the nuts during a soccer game? Well, I have a few ideas how to spice the night up by altering my personality for the evening just because I know my ADD crippled brain is going to cause me to get shitfaced fast if I don't.

The Bragger

There are a few angles to how I can approach this alteration. I can go as the "fratbrag" AKA the person who states that "I can totally drink you under the table and then some brah" or "I've banged three chicks this weekend, what did you do besides masturbate and cry about it afterward?". Obviously, this personality would piss off a lot of people fast, and thus alienate me from everyone else. Another consequence would be I'd cope with the shunning by pounding beers and eventually challenge a former peer to a fist fight...in a crowded bar.

The other bragger-type I could go as is how successful academically I am. "My GPA is 3.4 and I've already applied to grad school and received early acceptance to (insert prestigious school name here)for a psychology major. I'm currently a Psi Chi member--an organization for exceptional psychology students. Oh, did I forget to mention I am also writing a novel at the moment? It's true. So, what are you up to?" Like the fratbrag, this one is sure to piss off the others as well, but will be responded to in a more passive-aggressive manner. Another distinct possibility is someone will call bullshit on me, also potentially ending in a physical confrontation.

The Trainwreck

I like to fake my personality in social situations; almost too much in fact. I have very little shame when I know I am not going to be hooking up; or sometimes when I do have a chance. People who have never met me before don't know who I am, and thus I can totally bullshit them without any regret or remorse without them being the wiser. The manner in which I perform this is in a subtle facetious manner; some can pick up on it, while those who don't know my social cues will not.
Playing the trainwreck here has a lot of potential for this meeting. It can lead to free drinks, sympathy sex, etc. However, the probablility of me maintaining a "droopy dog" face will be ridiculously hard. Odds of me smiling like an asshole after an hour of keeping this facade are roughly 1:1.

The Clown

The clown would be easiest of all the personality types to pull off. I know a lot of jokes--clean and not-so clean--that I can tell. Sarcasm, snark, insults: all things I can do without much of a problem. However, normally I'm hesitant to take someone down psychologically unless they really deserve it. If someone who I haven't seen for years starts to act like an asshole, something is going to have to be done. This type will be played by ear.

The Tough Guy

This one would be pretty easy for me to actually pull off. I have six tattoos on my body, several of which are large and took a lot of time and pain to finish. So I actually have some means to prove this personality with a body of evidence, unlike the second form of the bragger I mentioned earlier. But, I can hyperbolize the bullshit by taking things a few steps further: I can claim to have been in many fights (I've actually been in two, so there's a little truth. One where I won, the other ended with both of us pretty ugly afterwards) and knocked a bunch of motherfuckers out. I can say I'm taking jui-jistu and judo classes and know how to fuck someone up...permenently; and probably some other ways that I can't think of at the moment but will be able to later.

These are the four I'm considering to use if the night starts to bore me. I only know one mode of drinking: fast. What's this "social drinking" you are referring to?

Oh, and if you're one of the people who are planning on going if this actually does happen, don't spoil the fun. Just say the word "glasses" and I know you're in on the joke.

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Yes, one of us is still alive

I was surprised when I got a few messages asking me If the Losersays staff died in a plane crash. Who would have thought more than two people read this blog?

Anyway, at least I'm alive. Scone: not so sure. Ed: been pretty busy I'm guessing. Me: working my butt off since everyone of my classes loves to hand out 4 pager plus paper assignments and tests the following week.

I'm gonna keep this short since I've got stuff to do, but I promise brand-new material will be posted soon. (Or I'll repost an old one just to keep you on your toes).

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Those faint of heart should not read this

Okay, I'll be the first to admit my place of residence is not as clean as it should be. I have beer cans littered on my desk, but nothing ever touches the floor. Nor do I have food that has been left out for weeks. If milk smells bad I DO NOT leave it in the fridge for another week.

My living habits have always been as such. I can tolerate scattered debris, but when something starts to stink or the dishes pile up I go on a cleaning rampage leaving no spot left after the dust (that has been swept away) has settled. But recently, something has happened that disgusts me.

At any given time of the day, I will have no less than three fucking flies moving around, or outside of my bathroom. Rats and mice, whose plague-carrying abilities have been well-documented with the whole bubonic plague and all, I can somehow coexist with. But there's just something about flies that absolutely causes me to lose my shit completely.

In order for me not to break the windows I use a hand towel as my mean of carrying out my murderous trade. I see the bodies after my wrath has been dealt, and I immediately sweep the bodies and throw the fuckers out the window. The next day three more take there place. I do not understand. Like, at all, why there are always three.

I keep the windows shut, I throw away my garbage, and have no reasonable explanation for these disgusting creatures why they like chilling in my apartment. This leads me to only one answer:

SOMEONE IN MY BUILDING IS THE WORST SLOB IN THE HISTORY OF MANKIND.

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

A Philosophical Outlook on a Voter's Apathy

OBAMA/McCAIN: WHO YA GOT?

I keep hearing this everyday even though I refuse to watch any Television; mostly due to obnoxious windbags who wont shut the Hell up (Fuckers even use a megaphone that is loud enough the penetrate Max volume on my headphones). I detest the most common information source because it is intentionally misleading, takes words out of context, and is tragedy-driven. It is a depressing scene indeed.

As much as I try to drown out the world's events listening to Tool's "46 & 2" on loop, it still manages to penetrate my brain and violate it repeatedly without any prophylactics.

So I hear there's an election coming up. Some black dude and an old white guy are trying to become president. Both would be firsts: the black dude would be the first black guy to assume the position (heh heh, "assume the position") and the white dude has the first bangable vice-president running mate(The glasses seal the deal for me; opinions may vary).

White people love the black guy because they would finally satisfy both their white guilt and also being able to claim they can never be called a racist because they voted for the black dude.

White people love McCain because he's not black. Also might be because he's a maverick or some other bullshit that I really don't care about.

This is the point where I start not giving two shits about the election or voting. For several reasons, formatted in convenient bullet format:

-I'm white, you see the picture. I do not have any white guilt or desire to not be called a racist because I am already immune to being called one. Both my God parents are Hispanic, and my best friend whom I would take a bullet for is also Hispanic. I am immune to the "R"-word.
-I'm registered to vote in Washington DC. To school you on how the percentages work I'll put it like this: 80% of DC is black and elections run roughly 9-1 or 8-2 in favor of the democratic candidate. On the city council there is only one Republican, and that's because he's gay and represents the gay part of the city. Simply put, My vote is meaningless.
-I hate both of the candidates. If I were to vote it would only because that VPILF Palin would have sex with me.

Now comes the part where being apathetic is a noble cause. A non-voter is consciously choosing to ignore all this "Democracy" bullshit and exercise his/her freedoms to vote, by NOT VOTING. To all you assholes who are asking me if I've registered go fuck yourselves. I exercise my God-given freedom of choice, and this is important so read carefully, BY CHOOSING NOT TO VOTE. It's not a vote or die situation, it is a situation where the outcome is the same every time and so I protest it by not getting involved in the process.

The non-voter is also one of the most brave souls on the planet. Instead of "making a difference" and having an illusion of control, they choose to recognize this lack of control, and throw themselves into the chaos of an unknowable future. They recognize that the outcome is beyond themselves. They know their opinions count for jack and shit.

So from a non-voter to all the people who are trying to tell me to vote, kindly go Fuck yourselves. Peace bitches.

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

Man, I Wish I Could Accuse Every Other Person as Racist

If you didn't know, Spike Lee put out another movie where a bunch of black soldiers during WW II did some incredible shit to save a town and its people. The tale is "based on a true story", which of course in Hollywood means "Completely Hallucinated images after going on three-day coke benders".

For some cases the fact that the movie isn't even remotely related to what actually happened, it can still make for a good film. For example, in the Movie "Rudy", a scrappy kid becomes the Quarterback for Notre Dame against all odds and a coach that hates him. In real life, the coach did not it fact hate Rudy's guts, Rudy played only one game (Where he sucked tremendously), and the coach even went to far as to allow the filmakers to portray him as a bad guy if it made the movie better (It did). However, the movie made him a total asshole and the coach later sued for defamation of character (They settled out of court).

Now on to Lee's film. It sucks. A lot. Even after their "interpretation" of the events that occurred he stilled produced a crap film. Now Italians are calling for a boycott of the film because of the blatant disregard of what actually happened (Although it's not sure if they are boycotting because of the film's false portrayal, or that the movie sucks donkey balls). You know what Lee's response to the calling for a boycott was?

Guess.

Come on it's Spike Lee.

Fine I'll tell you: "As a black person in American, a lot of people have told stories that aren't true about black people. So they (Italians) are just going to have to deal with it".

God I wish I was able to do that. When someone says my work sucks I would be able to defend it by calling the other person a dirty racist. I wish I could have a kneejerk response like that, where it clearly isn't the reason, but not be called out on it. Lee is trying to recieve credit as a racial matyr. Surprised?

God Hollywood please don't make anymore of his movies.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

More Craigslist Fun.

I posted another personal in Craigslist again. Hopefully the responses will be as amusing as last time.

Hi. I'm a 22 year-old psychology major currently enrolled at VCU and I am looking for a girl to kick my ass and then screw like there's no tomorrow. Before you rush to conclusions, no this is not a dom/sub thing. I am genuinely looking for a girl who has some sort of martial arts experience and is capable of kicking my ass in a fight. To me, there is nothing hotter than a chick who can kick a man's ass.

Me:
-5'10
-White
-Blonde
-Blue eyes
-145 lbs
-Seven years of Tae Kwon Do and minimal Jiu-Jitsu and boxing experience.

You:
-Height not an issue unless you are some sort of amazon. Preferable under 5'9.
-White, hispanic, or asian ethnicity preferred.
-Not fat but at least have some meat on your bones.
-Black or Brown belt in some sort a legitimate martial art. (No, Tae bo is not one of them)

On a final note, think twice before you respond. Despite not being muscular if it came down to a grappling area of this fight I will more than likely be able to overwhelm you with pure strength.

Serious inquiries only. No feminazis or bull-dyke's who just want to kick my ass please. Your pic gets mine!

Bring a mouthgaurd and LET'S GET READY TO RUMBLLLLLLLLLLLLLE!


I can't wait.